Thanks to my old friend, Kym Chambers, for sharing this. I am so grateful to many of my old and new friends who "get" this. Cancer brings a completely new perspective to those who battle it every day. People compliment me on my positive attitude and outlook. People tell me they're inspired by me. People tell me the KNOW I will beat my cancer (as if I'm some pro football team playing against a bunch of 10 year-olds).
The truth is that cancer is the most frightening thing I've ever faced. I lie awake at night sometimes, not because of some side effect of the chemotherapy, but because I'm afraid of what life will be like for Noelle and my children if the cancer beats me. I'm inspired by my God and by my desire to be with my family for many more years before I "move on," and wonder how others can possibly be inspired by me, a 40 year-old man who hates the fact that he can't exercise, wrestle with his kids or bend over to tie his shoes without worrying about whether one of his bones will break because his cancer has made them so brittle; a man who has always taken pride in being among the hardest-working, highest-achieving people in whatever company he's worked for, who now struggles to work a full day or hit 50% of his daily goals. Everywhere I go, I have to wear my stupid mask - a constant reminder of the cancer - not because I'm sick, but because others who are don't know or care that they're breathing germs all over the place and that I could be hospitalized over something that their body fights so effortlessly that they may not even realize that they're sick or give it a second thought if they do.
Cancer sucks, in case you haven't heard or experienced it personally. I hate stupid cancer. There. How's that for attitude and perspective? Some might respect me less now. Fine. If you do, you weren't real friends anyway. Some may respect me more. Fine. You needed to hear this. Others may just be grateful to learn that I'm human and that I struggle with this. You're welcome.
Phew! So glad that's off my chest!
Hi John- Kathy Ottesen here- Bob Ottesen's daughter. I've been following your posts and thinking of you every day. I appreciate your honesty so much. I've not had cancer myself but like so many, it has touched my life over and over again. Indeed, Cancer really does suck. Just wanted you to know that we're all praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteLove,
The other Ottesen branch of the family
Thanks so much, Kathy. Noelle and I and the kids appreciate the prayers and thoughts. Have a very Merry Christmas!
Delete- John
What a fantastic rant :) I just went through the emotional journey with my sister-in-law and her battle with breast cancer (the one that I did the BeYOUtiful campaign for...) and it was so hard. So. Dang. Hard. I commend you for allowing yourself and sharing with us the human side of this all. Even with faith in God we are all here to experience what it is like to be human - that includes hating cancer and feeling vulnerable and worried and whatever other feelings we have. That is what being human is all about. Why pretend otherwise? You are amazing on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I pray daily for you and everyone in your family. I can't fully imagine what it is like to go through this but I know that you will live each day the best that you can with that charming smile on your face :) Love you, Brother!
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to be human. If you didn't admit the daily fear and emotional hardship for you and your family you would be living in denial. Your battle is not easy and there are no guarantees, but I keep thinking of your example of daniel in the lions den. You will all become stronger and God will sustain you.
ReplyDeleteHi, John--as a fellow MM patient, I can totally empathize with you. I have lost count of how many people have told me they just "know" I'm healed or I've beaten this cancer or will beat it. Last time I checked, only God knows! But I know they are trying to be encouraging; the problem with those kinds of statements, though, is that it can give people false hope, as in the case of my sister who believed someone who said they were convinced our dad would be healed of his leukemia. That does not mean that we are not to keep battling and have an attitude of beating the disease, but it does get frustrating when someone who does not have cancer will casually say that they know we will be fine. Keep on keepin' on, John! We are in this together. =)
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