I am a cancer survivor. Every day since my diagnosis, I've been a survivor. The trick, I think, is to ensure that I don't just leave it at surviving.
I choose to live.
I consider October 4, 2012 (the day I heard my first oncologist, Dr. Richard Frame, say the words,
You have leukemia) the day my first life ended. Every day since then I recognize as a blessing. Every day is a day added to my life. Thinking that way has helped me keep perspective on the crappy days, which have been many.
Let me tell you about Patricia Kling. She's an amazing woman I've known for about 10 years, who passed away Wednesday morning after LIVING with cancer for many years. When I had the opportunity to see her at church or in her home, she would say something to me that has always stuck with me, and that resonates with me now a lot more than it did before 10/4/12. I'd say, "How are you, Patricia?" She'd say, "Wonderful, John. Every day is a blessing!" The amazing thing is, even on the days I knew she was in a TON of pain, her answer would be the same...and incredibly genuine in its delivery. "Every day is a blessing!" Here was a woman who learned to love and recognize the beauty in simple things, like breathing in and out every day; like the newly blossomed flowers outside her window; like the tender and abiding love of her devoted husband, David; like the fact that she had so many wonderful friends who loved her and whom she loved, and loved deeply. When my own cancer diagnosis came, I began to think of Patricia a lot, though we were separated by two states by that time. Her attitude and outlook have been an inspiration to me throughout my cancer journey. Now I find myself saying, "Every day is a blessing" all the time. And I mean it.
I have not been battling cancer for 22 months. I have not been fighting it. It has disappeared for now or forever - I'm not sure which - but has left its indelible mark on my body. It will do what it will do, and I have no control over it. I do, however have 100% control over my attitude. Several of my AMAZING nurses on East 8 have commented to me that a great attitude lends towards a great outcome - doesn't guarantee it, of course, but makes it more possible. What I've come to believe is that a great attitude - one that says "I've been a 'cancer survivor' every day since my diagnosis" - gives me power over my cancer. Not control over it...power over it. I don't control the cancer, but I do control myself and my response to its presence in my life. Don't get me wrong...my wife, my kids and I have all been known to say, "I HATE STUPID CANCER!" But my life is a gift. A gift I used to take for granted. A gift I used to complain about. I used to gripe about a lot of stupid things...work, my boss, the weather, my kids, my hair, my WHATEVER! Now, I don't complain about a whole lot of things, because I recognize how incredibly fortunate I am to be around to just experience life, both the good and the not-so-good.
I recently met another "survivor" who impressed me from the get-go. McKaylee ("Mac") and I were seated next to each other in the East 8 clinic, getting our particular infusions for the day. Seated to my right was a woman with a blood disorder who was lamenting about a lot of things. She painted a bleak picture. Now, I don't discount her situation, or judge her for her perspective on it. She had some pretty serious troubles. But seated to my left was this 19 year-old single mother, who was there for about 8 hours (as I recall) with her not-yet-one-year-old son, and her mother. We talked for a while about her AML, her son, Dax, my work with Be The Match, etc. What we discussed is far less important to me than what I learned about her just by interacting with her in the time we were there together. Though still adjusting to this cancer journey thing (she was just diagnosed on February 20), Mac has a light about her. She exudes happiness and beauty and life. I kept thinking, "Here's a young woman who gets it. She's naturally happy. She may not enjoy every aspect of what life has handed her, but still she finds a way to smile and shine." Oh, and give of herself to others. Mac has not had a marrow/stem cell transplant, and it's still uncertain whether she will need one or not. When she learned of my position with Be The Match, she asked me if she could get involved, be a volunteer at a drive, something. Even though she was not directly impacted by what Be The Match does, she knows of its importance in the lives of others and wanted to do something about it. Was it just lip service? No. She will be accompanying me as a volunteer at a drive I'm running down in Utah County this evening. No pay. No personal connection to the organizer of the drive or the marrow transplant survivor in whose honor the drive is being held. Just a sincere desire to make a difference. Every day is a blessing for Mac, and she is seeking to use her day tomorrow to bless others. Yes, Mac is a pretty cool young woman. I'm so happy to have met her.
"Every day is a blessing!" Thank you, Patricia Kling, for that sincere answer of yours which has become my new mantra. Thank you, God, for putting people like Mac and Houston and Rebecca in my path, who demonstrate what it means to LIVE, and not just survive.
